i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
