i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
