I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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