do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
