Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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