He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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