Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
