well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
