i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found a bag of teeth...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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