I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
