Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
