I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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