One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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