Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
