I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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