her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize