The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
