I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
