Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
