I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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