Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
