Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
