I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
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