saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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