WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
