Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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