Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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