Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
