I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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