I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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