He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
