Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
