All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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