so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And then my night got REAL pukey
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
