I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
