I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
