Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
