Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
