my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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