he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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