His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
