Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize