Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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