my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
