I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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