Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
