so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
