i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Someone signed my nipple.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize