i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
