Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Come on in and take your pants off
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
