It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
