The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
