He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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