Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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