I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
