her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
