She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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