I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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