I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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